The Sweetest Sadness In Your Eyes
by Becks Rylynn
Summary: What if I want to be lost? Next in the 'Silver Ring' Series.


AN: Here we go again! The next in the series. Once again, they're out of character and not like themselves at all, but that's the way I made this story to be. For all of you wondering if this is the one where Dean comes back, no, it's not, but don't worry, you won't have a long wait. I'd also like to thank everyone who reviewed the stories in this series. Every review means alot, even the flames.

**Title:**_** The Sweetest Sadness In Your Eyes**_

**Summary:**''What if I want to be lost?''

**Pairing:** Past Dean/Ruby, Ruby/OC friendship.

**Genre:** Friendship/Hurt/Comfort

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** I do not own SPN or any of the characters.

The Sweetest Sadness In Your Eyes

By the time she gets back to Joey's, her head is pounding from all the crying she's done and all she wants to do is go home and fall into a dreamless sleep. When she stumbles through the doors of the bar, she's certain she must look horrible. Red rimmed eyes, disheveled hair, tear stained cheeks. Joey looks up from pouring a dirty man a glass of what looks like scotch and smiles widely when he sees her. She thinks it's most likely a sigh of relief.

''Hey, sweetheart, you're back.''

She tries to smile, but it comes out more of a grimace then anything else. She's not in the mood for pleasantries, no matter how good Joey's intentions are. She just wants to drag her tired body home, through the still falling snow outside, and let the snow sting her skin. At least it's a different kind of pain.

Joey's smile disappears, replaced by a frown and he moves away from the dirty man, leaving an open bottle of scotch in front of him. The dirty man looks at Joey for a minute and then grabs the bottle of alcohol, drinking straight from the bottle. Joey doesn't notice. ''What's wrong?''

She shakes her head and tosses him the keys, throat burning painfully. She doesn't feel like talking about her problems, neither of them have all night. ''Thanks for the car.'' Her voice is flat, emotionless, even to her own ears. She thought about not bringing the car back, she thought about driving until she lost the road, she thought about trying to outrun the pain and sadness, but she couldn't. For some strange reason foreign to her, she couldn't bear the thought of disappointing Joey. That thought confuses her more then any other.

His frown deepens and he turns his gaze to the man drinking scotch from the bottle. ''Hey, Sherman, why don't you give us a minute, okay?''

''But I'm comfortable here.''

_''Sherman.''_

''No, Joey, it's fine,'' She inturrupts, putting a hand on her forehead in an attempt to keep the room from spinning. ''I really should get home.''

''Nonsense!'' His voice is loud and booming and just a little too enthusiastic. She almost raises an eyebrow in amusement, because he's clearly trying way too hard, and she thinks if she lets him continue to act like this, it could be very entertaining. ''Sit down, sweetheart, have a drink on me.''

She sighs, but pulls herself up onto a barstool anyways, ignoring the way Sherman glares at her when he brushes past her. She gets the distinct feeling Joey's never kicked him out of his seat before. Joey places a glass of something clear in front of her and she's tempted, but for the first time in a long time, she doesn't feel like drowning herself in alcohol. ''Joey, I don't think - ''

''It's water, sweetheart.''

She sighs again, and rests her head in her hands, wanting nothing more then to sleep, even if she does have to sleep in an empty bed. Even if she does wake up in the middle of the night, _his_ name escaping her lips in screams of agony. She's just so tired. She hasn't gotten a full night's sleep in eight months.

''So, where'd you go tonight, Ruby?''

She thinks about lying, but the silver ring on her finger glints in the dim light and she knows she can't. ''I went...to see...'' She clears her throat nervously and plays with the ring. ''...Someone.'' She's not looking at him, but she can feel Joey's eyes on her. ''It..It was his birthday.'' She doesn't give him a chance to respond, because the question that's been floating around in her head for months comes tumbling out all of the sudden. ''Joe, why are you always so nice to me?'' She looks up to meet his eyes and manages a weak laugh. ''I mean, let's face it, I'm kind of a downer.''

''Yes, you are.'' He leans forwards and throws her a kind hearted wink. ''Ruby, you are far too young and far too pretty to be wasting away. I'm just trying to look out for you, make sure you don't over do it.''

His words mean more to her then he'll ever know, but she doesn't say anything. She keeps her mouth shut, because that's what she does now. She stays quiet, keeps silent, doesn't speak. She wonders if this is what her life is always going to be like from now on. It takes only minutes for her to break her number one rule and speak up. ''But why? You hardly know me.''

Joey's eyes change, from gentle and warm to haunted and far away. ''Did I ever tell you that I had a wife once?'' She shakes her head, and he lets a wistful smile fall into place. ''She was one of a kind. Beautiful, smart, funny, and the most kind and gentle woman I'll ever know. Her name was Victoria. She was the love of my life. Died in a car crash two years after we got married. You kind of remind me of her.''

And she's not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. ''You're looking out for me because I remind you of your dead wife?''

''No,'' He says simply. ''I'm looking out for you because I've lost alot of people in my lifetime. A lot more then I should have. I know what loss looks like. You, my sweetheart, are the definition of loss. So tell me, who did you lose?''

She doesn't look at him because those kind eyes of his are going to make her cry one of these days and if she breaks in this dirty bar, in front of all the regulars, she'll never hear the end of it. She tries not to talk, she tries to keep her mouth glued shut, but after eight months of keeping quiet and not speaking, all she wants to do is speak. She focuses her gaze on the silver ring, like it can give her the strength she needs, and works hard to keep her voice steady. ''His name was Dean...and I loved him.'' Just that one sentence is enough to make tears sting her eyes, so she keeps her voice low and her head down. No need to make the men in here think she's nothing more then a weak little girl. Even if it's true. ''He died....He died eight months ago.''

''And is that why you always look like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders?''

She smiles, but it's bitter and hollow, as she slips the ring off her finger and onto her left ring finger. A scowl instantly covers her face, and she takes it off, biting back a cry. It doesn't belong there, it will never belong there. ''Yeah,'' Her voice is hoarse, as she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. ''That's why.'' She doesn't know where it comes from, but somehow, she finds the courage to look up. ''That's where I was tonight. I went to his grave. It was...It was his birthday and I didn't want him to be alone.''

Joey nods. ''No one should be alone on their birthday.'' The sympathy and pity she's been dreading are nowhere to be found when she looks in his eyes, though, all she sees is understanding, because he knows how she feels. Knows how she hurts. ''Ruby, I'm going to ask you something and I'd like an honest answer, alright?''

She licks her lips and doesn't say anything. She'll try to answer whatever question he may have, but her life is made of lies, and sometimes, you have to lie.

Joey meets her eyes and leans even closer, so the other bar patrons won't hear what he's about to say. ''Are you a hunter?''

Hysteria grows in her chest, resulting in a short burst of nervous laughter. Instantly, she slaps a hand over her mouth and tries to regain her composure. ''I-I have no idea what you're talking about.''

''Mmmhmm,'' Joey rolls his eyes, and she's sure he can see right through her. She's clearly lost her touch. ''Sure you don't.''

''Okay,'' She closes her eyes briefly and summons what little strength she has left. ''Maybe I used to be a hunter, but I'm not anymore.'' She takes a breath and wishes she had a cigarette. ''How do you know about hunting anyways?''

''I used to be a hunter,'' He says it so nonchalantly, like it's no big deal, like it's perfectly normal. ''Before Victoria died. I quit after the accident. She had always wanted me to quit, so I figured - ''

''If you couldn't make her happy in life, you would at least make her happy in death.''

He nods and tosses a moth eaten dishtowel over his shoulder. ''So, I'm guessing this Dean guy was a hunter too?''

She smirks, for just a second, because she's never heard anyone to refer to Dean as just a mere hunter. Neither of the Winchesters were _just_ hunters. They were either the best, or the worst there was no in between. That was how their faher raised them. ''Yeah, he was a hunter.'' She fingers the silver ring once more. ''Always had to be the hero.'' She wonders if maybe one day, she'll be able to remember him without dissolving into tears. ''It's what got him killed.''

_Killed._

It sounds so harsh.

Since she can't find the strength to care anymore, she lets tears spill over and run down her cheeks. Let the drunks in the bar talk about her, let them think she's a weakling, she doesn't even care. She hurts, and sometimes the only way to dull the hurt is to cry. ''He was an idiot. Foolish. Always rushing into things half cocked. He shot first and asked questions later. Hell, the man tried to shoot_ me_. But he was _good._ He was good, Joey, better than me, and if he hadn't been so damn good, if he hadn't been such a fucking hero, then he would be here. I feel like I should hate him. I should hate him for all the things he's done, for the way he makes me feel, I should hate him for leaving me. I want to hate him. But I can't. No matter how hard I try, I can't hate him. He was...'' She feels the sobs coming and lets her tearfilled gaze move to Joey. ''He was all I had, Joe.''

''Oh, sweetheart,'' There's still no sympathy in his brown eyes, only warmth as he hands her a tissue.

''I...I don't know what to do without him. I don't know who I'm supposed to be anymore.'' It's been a long time since she's talked to anyone, really talked, and she's surprised at how good it feels. ''He took me away, Joe. This isn't who I am, this crying, weak, pathetic, _girl_.'' She spits out the word like it's a disease. ''I mean, I should be helping his brother, because there are things coming, Joey, bad things, and he needs to be ready. Helping Sam is what I'm made to do. It was my one purpose for being in this world and I blew it by falling in love with _Dean Winchester_. Sam needs my help, but I...I'm too selfish and too _hurt_ to give it to him.''

There's silence now, silence so loud it hurts her ears, and then it's broken when a man in the corner mutters something about ''another freak out''. A nasty snarl rips it's way out of her lips and she whirls around to send him a dangerous glare, eyes black as tar. He shrinks back down in his seat and tears his eyes away from her. When she turns back to Joey, she's perfectly composed, eyes blue once again. ''So,'' She swipes at her eyes and bites down on her lip, smiling sheepishly. ''Isn't this the part where you tell me everything's going to be okay?''

Joey smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. ''I can't tell you everything's going to be okay, Ruby, 'cause it's not. The truth is, if you loved this man, if you _really_ loved him, if you loved him with everything you had and more, then there's always going to be a hole in your heart and it's always going to hurt.''

''Oh, well, thanks so much.''

''_But_,'' This time when he smiles, it's a real smile, one that reaches his eyes and everything. ''There will come a day when you wake up and the sun's shining and the birds are chirping and you won't feel so lost anymore. That's when you can start to move on.''

She wonders if it's ever going to be possible for her to make it through a day without gasping for air that she cannot find. ''What if I want to be lost?''

''Then I recommend something a lot stronger than water.''

And she doesn't know how he manages to get a smile out of her, but he does. It's the first real smile she's worn on her lips in eight months. ''I'm sorry for your loss, Joey.''

''I'm sorry for yours, Ruby.'' He reaches out a hand and wipes a fallen tear off her cheek. ''You should go home, sweetheart. You look like crap.''

''Well, there's what every girl wants to hear.'' She laughs lightly, and stands on steady feet for the first time in months. ''Thanks, Joe.'' But she knows she'll never be able to thank him enough. She's almost out the door when she remembers something that makes her turn around and speak up. ''Hey, Joey?''

''Yeah?''

''Is that job offer still good?''

He smiles from ear to ear, the biggest smile she's seen cross his face. ''I don't know, sweetheart, you really want to work for an old bartendar like me?''

''You're not that old, Joey.'' What she really means is _I got a lot of years on you, honey._ But she doesn't say that.

A girl's got to have some secrets after all.

''You can start on Monday.''

And that night, for the first time in what feels like eternity, she goes home with a small ray of hope shining through darkness. Maybe someday, sometime far away, things will get better, maybe she'll make it through a day without breaking, maybe she'll hurt a little less one day, maybe she'll be able to remember him and smile.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

For now, maybe is more then enough for her.

**end**

AN: Well, there you have it. I figured now that she's starting to get better, I should bring Dean back and have him mess up all her progress, don't you think? Oh, and show of hands, who loves Joey? I do! I kind of picture him as a Don Cheadle, or maybe even a James McDaniel. The moment you've all been waiting for should be up tomorrow.

Kisses, Becks


End file.
